Diagnosis

When was the last time you were out there in the darkness? No lights, no sounds, no knowledge of your whereabouts or any sign of companion. When was the last time you felt alive with the cold summer breeze and your own thoughts as witnesses of your existence. Feel the bliss within the silence, within yourself and your surroundings. When was the last time you talked to yourself, laughed at yourself, looked at yourself in a mirror while shedding tears from the corner of your left eye, taking a close look at pain itself without even feeling sorry about it, without feeling at all, just standing there in front of you in numbness. When was the last time you made yourself proud, so proud you did not even need to tell anyone else about it, self acknowledgement is sometimes the best reward not because showing off isn’t amazing but because you know you have always been your toughest judge.

When was the last time you had control over every little detail of that one thing you know you can’t even take off the top of your head if you try your heart out?

When was the last time impotence made you cry? Overwhelming desire for something you know you can’t just not have; but whether you eventually will or not is something that couldn’t be further from your own personal decisions and capabilities.

When was the last time you did something crazy? Why did you stop? When was the last time overthinking kept you from sleeping at four in the morning? Sleepless nights that develop a pattern that will forever remain written in your soul; that infinite soul that nourishes from tiny particles of laughter and microscopic anemones of love. When was the last time you felt love? Made love? Received love? Gave love? When was the last time the illusion of love kept you smiling, at least for a second, that split second until you realized it was never there, it was just the shadow of a possibility very much like the reflection of the left eye tear in the mirror that one day when you met yourself at your most vulnerable stage, yet the best one, the one left unseen. When was the last time you felt afraid to be alone? Was it fear of missing someone or just of been left with your own self?

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Punto y coma. Abusar de ellos desde mis textos más viejos, no querer terminar con una idea, aferrarme a ella, buscarle variantes, darle una y otra vuelta a lo mismo separando ideas con un punto y coma; nunca querer que se acabe algo que me gusta, que me hace sonreír, algo de lo que sé y me encanta hablar, aunque la gente se maree; error gramatical que dota de cordura mi pensamiento, mi sentimiento, mi existir.

Es no darle cierre a una idea, encontrarle alternativas, posibilidades, realidades alternas que quizá no existan pero yo se las invento; punto y coma como la representación de mi deseo de que las cosas perduren, algunas veces más de lo necesario, más de lo recomendable; es hacer una pausa y escribir un capítulo más de la misma historia; es no querer que termine por no conocer el final adecuado; punto y coma que sugiere hay algo más aún cuando toda la evidencia parece indicar lo contrario, quizá hasta la ausencia no de un final sino de un inicio a todo eso que para mí significa tanto pero es en el plano real inexistente; lo que me invento, lo que quiero creer pero en el fondo sé que no debería; es alargar el sufrimiento, es masoquismo y dicha; sonrisa y lágrima. Querer separar, querer discernir y sin embargo permanecer, darle vida a lo inerte y que continúe; prolongar hasta el límite; dar vueltas, rodeos interminables a una idealización que nace dentro de mí y se muere, me mata por existir.

Hasta que se me acaba el papel, el insumo para seguir construyendo ideas dentro de una idea que se piensa en la cabeza de la que se rehúsa a terminar pero se ve obligada a dar cierre, no por voluntad sino por imposición; punto y coma, un caracter que se opone a mi estabilidad emocional y alimenta el divagar de una mente que le busca sentido a lo absurdo y una explicación a lo que nunca pasó.

NOTE TO SELF.

FEAR THAT KEEPS ME FROM FEELING. FEELINGS LEFT HIDDEN. HIDDEN FROM WHO? WHO WILL BE THE ONE TO DESERVE THEM? THEM, THEM FEELINGS LEFT INSIDE. INSIDE THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL WITH A BIG, BIG HEART. HEART LEFT UNBROKEN, EAGER TO FEEL, ALL OF IT, ALL OF IT. IT WILL BE AMAZING TO BE ABLE TO UNLOCK IT ALL, TO LET GO. LET GO OF WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING ON? ON WILL YOU GO, GO ON GIRL, LIVE IT UP, DON'T GET STRANDED IN A PAST FILLED WITH SORROW. FILLED WITH SADNESS. GO ON. LIVE IT UP. CREATE YOURSELF, CREATE A FUTURE BUT LIVE TODAY AND FOR TODAY. SMILE, AND DO IT OFTEN. OFTEN YOU FORGET TO AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU DON'T. DON'T FORGET WHO YOU ARE. DON'T YOU EVER DARE TO. DON'T LOSE YOURSELF. IT'S ALL ABOUT FINDING YOURSELF, CREATING, LEARNING, GROWING AND LIVING, EVERY-SINGLE-DAY. BE YOU, FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO HELP YOU GROW, NOT HOLD YOU BACK, DO NOT BE AFRAID. THERE IS NO REASON TO. FEEL. LOVE. DON'T LOOK BACK, JUST WALK AHEAD, TAKE A BREATH AND VALUE EVERYTHING BUT DON'T STOP. LOVE YOUR LIFE, LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE IT ALL. LOVE WHATEVER IT IS THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. LEARN EVERYDAY, NOT AT SCHOOL, LEARN FROM LIFE, WHAT HAPPENS OUT THERE. DO IT AND DO IT OFTEN WITHOUT SKIPPING. FULFIL YOUR GOALS. GOALS SET BY NO ONE BUT YOURSELF. NOTHING WILL MAKE YOU PROUDER THAN DOING SO. BELIEVE YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH IT ALL AND DO IT ! PROVE YOURSELF, CHALLENGE YOURSELF.

JAN 14, 2013